Hi all,

something to start blogging about again......

http://pickingupanewme.livejournal.com

:)

Hi all!!

today i finally threw away the dried flowers that he gave me, since day 1 when we were together, until now.....i also threw away all the letters that he wrote to me....those empty promises and fake lines.....no point thinking about anything anymore.....

this is going to be my last entry....looking through all my past entries since 2 or 3 yrs ago, the initial entry, until now....i realised that most of my entries are full of sadness or unhappiness...only 3 out of 10 entries are happy? sigh.... This blog started because of him......and it will end with him......

i am also getting tired of blogging about sad or unhappy stuff....i guess i will just move on....i won't be shifting my blog to elsewhere either....unless i have sth in my life for me to blog about....and maybe then, i will post the link here....and that will depend on who will actually still visit this blog...haha :p

so, thanks for being my audience and my support these years....for all the care and concerns :) i truly appreciate them, and love u all for it... :)

take care..........i will still visit other blogs though! :)

Looking at my sis today, i suddenly realised that she has been a mother for 4 yrs plus! haha....

The sister that I know, the strong tomboy-ish woman i know then has been a mother for 4 yrs plus!! with a kid so irresistably CUTE :)
time really flies..........

sleep hasn't been that great for me the past few days...try as I might to forget and not think about it (so that I won't be upset by it), I found myself plagued with dreams of him.... :( for eg, just last night again, i dreamt of him with his new girl...shucks....why did i even dream of that....think subconsciously, at the back of my brain, it still affects me.... :(

BUT, no worries, i will move on....dreams of him will stop...and i will move on with my life, with the new focus now on my future... :)

i love my mum.....always.... :) :) :) :) :)

i want to cry....but i can't...not right now...maybe weeks later...

what did i do to deserve all the hurt? i dun understand....just because of another girl? if that is the reason, i rest my case....everything is so not worth it...

u WILL regret 1 day....and whenever i say that, u know how true it is....

the pain in the heart will go away....yes it will...

i will move on and smile again soon....life's not worth crying over u.... :) :) :)

i need to stay sane....the past week was a torture....my depression is back.... :(

every waking moment is a torture now... sigh....

this makes me all the more want to get away...hence, i am going to apply for overseas studies...whether i get the scholarship or not, i am still going...i need to get away from everything here and do what i want, i need a focus to be sane and safe.....so, by next feb/mar, i'll most probably be overseas....which country i won't know...will keep those who still reads this blog updated ok....

be sane
be safe
be positive

that's what i need to be now..

i miss my bro again....and i dreamt of him that day..after such a long time...almost 9mths??

The Dream
i dreamt that he came home....and with my mum following him and asking him alot of qns, he came to the kitchen to where i was, and smiled at me...
the moment i see him, i started crying and sobbing very badly...not understanding why he is standing infront of me right then....he sat down and continued to smile the whole time, nv hearing him talk....as like all other dreams, the reasons and happenings are all warp...and my mum explained that he is there cos he was on a secret mission for his company...and since it was a dangerous one, his company arranged for his funeral first....him being to return back home is a plus point....
upon hearing that, i broke down even more...but am so thankful to god that he was back...the feelings were all so real in the dream...somehow, my bro nv spoke a single word...just smiled the whole time...and bennett had shoulder length hair in the dream(-_-)

wth right...oh wells....dreams...............i woke up after that...but because it felt so real, i couldn't believe my surroundings...the sad feeling stayed with me....and i wanted to just stay inside the dream...so desperately wanted to see my bro again in the dream.... :'( but couldn't go back to slp...sigh.... :(

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life is pretty peaceful these days..but i'm getting bored...haha....i was running ard my neighbourhood the other day, and part of the route was my way home from primary sch more than 11 yrs ago! :) it brought a smile to my face cos i remembered how happy and naive i was then... :) where everything was so protected...those were the days......sighh...

i can't wait for monday to come!!! :) can't wait to spend the next 4 days after that with that special someone!!! yays!!! haha ... :p lalalalalalalalalala!

i'm so bored....can't wait for next mon to come so that i'll be away on a secret trip with someone secretive and enjoying ourselves! hahha... :p

went back to ex company ytd to help out in this storytelling event, and realised how much i have missed all of them...the familiarity of being there and everything... :) then again, it feels different cos i am no longer a staff there and as much as i am familiar with being there, i am unfamiliar with certain things there as well....

and i can't believe i missed lala when i was there ytd! haha....so near yet so far! -_-

in this boring day, i thought abt some stuffs....and realised that i've changed....i've changed to become someone who would not tolerate being scolded for no reason at all....somehow, in a way or other, i've learnt to stand up for myself (when the time comes) and only allow myself to be penalised for things that i've really done wrong...otherwise, i dun allow anyone to penalise me for no reason at all....a far cry from the weelee of the past who just stands there and allows the person she loves to penalise and downgrade her....

i've been learning alot from a fren the past few days, one of the things include letting go and moving forward, and not looking back....it applies for myself even till now...and i learnt a great deal from him....then again, easier said than done...the theory part is there...the application part takes time n focus...but one thing that i am right is that everyone takes time to move on....it just depends how long.....

i'm so bored....and having slight headache.... sigh....

i will never, ever give u another chance to hurt me again.

I hate u.

:'(

it aches again as i think of him...and i'm tearing as i think of everything....emo period here again...sighhh.....

stop please....

i really need a very long getaway...periodic feelings like this is not helping my emotional being at all....

help..... :(

AHM is finally over! :D yays!! and congrats to zy and lala for running soooo fast! dun be too upset babe...we can always train to be better...isn't that what trng is all about? :)

ok, like i've told lala in the morning, i was desperately searching for a toilet at the 10km mark. and the ONLY ECP toilet was having looooong queue! so i ended up keeping everything in for the next 11km...painful man...takes alot of determination ok!!!! hahaha...and well, my anus suffered after that (sorry for the crudeness :p)

this yr's timing was one of my lousiest.... each yr i just got worse...sighh....oh wells, it's ok, i didn't manage to train properly anyway...but i'm proud of lala for achieving good timing with her 2nd time running a half marathon! :)

after the run, lala and i went for breakfast.....our legs couldn't support us properly!! hahahahaha....A kept calling me wrongly lo....so what...HAHAHAHA....had fun with our nonsenses again :)

class gathering after that was a small one, as many ppl said they couldn't make it last min :X oh wells, we had fun trying to recall who was what rep during our JC days...haha...and i was reminded of the fact that i was AV rep... -_- due to sabortage....haha...those were the fun and nerdy and innocent days :)

ok, gtg slp soon...am sooo looking forward to the spa this coming weekend! :)

ok...i have to admit....i AM too lazy to update my blog! hahha :p

been getting ALOT of rest these days....and the moment i sleep lesser than 9hrs, i get damn tired and sleepy throughout the whole day! -_- wonder how i survive last time huh....haha :p

have been meeting up with lala these days in sch to train :) YAYS! :D had alot of fun laughing and talking nonsense and being in my 'andy lau' world...HAHA :p

sometime back, i complained that i am too busy to do anything else. now that i stop work and only did tuition-ing, i feel TOO free! -_-
hate idling around actually...sighh...

ok, can't wait for AHM to be over. and go for breakfast after that! :D haha :p

hope michelle recovers soon........

think the past 1 yr zapped all the energy and sleep out of me...haha...cos i've been sleeping like a pig on sat and sun and i AM still feeling dead tired....gonna sleep moreeee!!

but i have also been feeling irritated by the slightest things...and i feel too 'free'....since now i quit my job, really dunno what to do other than go for tuition...usually i'll remember what to do on monday during the weekends or if there is anything that i will need to prepare for presentation or whatsoever...but now, it's just BLANK.... -_- feels weird.........................


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if it's not meant to be, then it will never meant to be
no matter how much effort each party put in
cos it's just called 'not fated to be'
the heart bleeds,
but if fate determines that we are only meant to leave a footprint in the deepest part of each other's heart,
then we can only accept what fate has for us.
i wish u could see this.
but i know u never will.
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glad that angela made it back ok... :) proud of u babe! and i miss u tons!! haha...

i just so wish that ppl ard me can be happy...and i just wish that i have the power to just give them happiness...to feel peaceful and contented..sighh.....

i miss u many many times again bro......so many times again....take care...

WOw! my last entry was 6 weeks ago! haha... :p wonder is anyone still bothers to come here?

after such a long long time of suffering in that office, 31 July 09 was my official last day. I felt relieved, but sad to leave the lovely working environment of those wonderful colleagues and staffs.  :)

On my last day, each of them actually bought a present for me individually! even my assistant, who is a strict and dull (sorry to say this, but she does the same things for 15 yrs in the company EVERYDAY, hardly goes out and can't bear to anyhow spend her money), actually bought a gift for me!!!!! even though the gift is a whole rock melon (-_-), it is still the thought that counts....i was so so so so damn touched that i cried.... so sweet and nice of her....though there were many times i was unhappy with her, i didn't really expect her to give me anything...and after which, everyone started to give me presents 1 by 1........and i just cried even more!!! :'( makes me can't bear to leave even more.....i was told that in such a long time to come, i am the first and only one to receive so many presents from so many ppl! *damn super touched* sighhhh...

and my assistant actually agreed to go out with us after work to eat and go Minds Cafe to chill!!!! Ultra SHOCK cos this is a once in a blue moon thing! hahahaha... :p  anyways, all of us had a fun time :)

it's time to move on, to search for what i want....am still feeling a little lost....but yes, i need a break, to clear my mind and orientate myself once again....

whatever it is, will try to update this blog more often! :p zzzzzz

Hi hi!

I'm here to blog again! and i am currently in my office right now! well, cos on duty today...so i dun have a choice but to stay in office till 7pm! (gosh, so BORING that i have been logging in and out of FB just to play games. i'll usually love to come back on sun to work, but not today cos i'm feeling extremely tired and worn out and needs some rest! sigh). and i am also HALF-anticipating for a member to come and comment / feedback about a certain article that was published on straits times on the clubhouse. and i am also crossing my fingers that he won't come and talk to me! that's the thing about here. a small issue can raise so much concerns and attention. but well, it brings u to the extreme point on building customer relations. just the other day, the temp lifeguard was so surprised by my tone and attitude towards a member! said i am very good in customer service...haha...well, u will be automatically trained to do that when u are here. :p

A very rough sketch of me in my cubicle and very sian :p

anyways, alot of things happened (as usual) in my life though everyday is just the same monotonous life (run, work, tuition). of course, many things include many incidents/unhappiness raised in office and tuitions are sometimes interesting for me...hahah. what i can say is that this week has been a week of ups and downs for me. not easy as i have to deal with reactions from my assistants and those who work for me when they heard about my resignation. there are some who are rather upset, and there is also 1 who has the give-me-a-tight-slap-i-deserved-it kind of attitude. -_- dealing with her is the most blood boiling thing.

of course, there are times during the week when i just totally broke down again, due to all these unseen pressure, from my boss and colleague as well. seems as though from day 1, as a temp staff, till current when i am a full time staff, i have constantly been the one whom they will scold if we come back late from lunch. recently, with me leaving soon, they kept saying that i am in ORD mood and i should not disturb others so much. SIGH. what has it got to do with me? i have been working hard from day 1 and i have not grumbled much. at the same time, i have not been disturbing anyone much! as though i do not have my own work to do! it always happens that when i am talking to someone, they will coincidentally walk past and see me talking to another colleague (we have only just managed to start talking about some stuff for 1 min!) . of course, i will be the one to get scolded. why? i dunno, dun ask me. i just know that i have been working hard from day 1 and maximised ny working hrs. and i still receive this! sigh. i was totally upset cos more was being said and i was very hurt. can't wait to leave man......

i have also made another decision: that i will not get married at all. but since we dunno what will happen in future, i can say that this will apply for now until someone proves me wrong. I dun think/believe in true love. up to a certain point in life, how many ppl are actually STILL in love with each other? when the love fades away, each won't know due to the stress of having to take care of kids, work to climb higher, etc etc. and then, a couple is only together due to commitment (e.g. kids) or simply cos they are so used to each other being by their side. just like a colleague of mine, she is now so into work and with her baby that her husband is just there for her to be shouted at, someone for her to vent her anger. somehow, i know and can feel from her that her love for her husband are diminishing fast. and they've been together (inclusive of dating period) for only 5 yrs? she said and argued to me (when i told her how i feel as above) that when love diminishes, u just need that spark to bring it back again. so i asked her: doesn't that mean the same thing? it just shows that u dun love the person anymore! that's why u need that spark. and efforts need to be made to create that spark. and when it's not realised in time that a spark is due, i dun think a lighter, much less 2 grinding stones will help to bring the love back. Won't 2 person just waste their time being committed together just cos they feel that it's a responsibility,  a commitment and not committed together due to love?

and honestly, some ppl are just so realistic. i shan't say who. lala and alan knows who i am talking about here. this convinces me all the more that love doesn't last. in this case, why waste the time? i have loved my best once, i have tried it. so i dun think i will waste anymore time here. i'll rather spend with my frens who will always be there around in my life :)

alrights, so i'm ending off here. almost fell asleep typing this! haha. ok, gtg back to work. SIAN-SATION! toodles!

and pls take care babe! love ya! :)

before i start doing my work, i would like to say THANK U AND I LOVE U BABES! from a normal, tiring and lousy day, i was given a surprise (which was so damn nice and surprising that i dunno what to say!)

thanks babes, for coming down especially ALL the way and for the SUPERB nice and LOVELIEST green tea cupcakes ever! am really very touched and happy :)  :) :) :) :)  love ya all babes!!! take good good care of urselves and i hope to see ALL of u soon for  a nice and proper meal! :) :) *hugz*

BOO! :)

hmmm...what shall i start with? i dunno actually. there are so many things that happened. both good and bad, and things i feel from time to time, that i didn't have time to blog down.

anyways, had 2 lovely birthday celebrations; 1 with mixue and gang (simple, just a meal and nothing else. i was too tired to celebrate too) and 1 which was a surprise from my colleagues :) it was really a surprise. moreover, didn't even know anything till the birthday cake was out! haha. :) had fun really.

i had off on my birthday, but needed to go back to office for meeting at night, so time to myself on birthday was limited. i went to sentosa myself, felt that i needed my own space on this day. just wanted to be alone on my bdae. and i did spend time alone. had a nice tan (burnt!) and had a hot run in the afternoon! haha. but it was kinda relaxing to be by myself. :) i know ppl offered to spend my bdae with me. but just felt like going thru this day alone. dunno why.

i am glad for all the birthday wishes i received for the whole day, and it doesn't matter if they are late. cos i know that many of u cared, just that we are all too busy (like myself) to remember. thanks alot :)

well. shan't talk much now. need to go rest for morning run tmr. take care everyone! have fun.....

I feel happy and sad today.

Happy cos my cousin got married. and it's the first wedding i attended in 1.5 years ever since my bro passed away. it is also the first time in so so so long that i see all my cousins, little cousins and relatives. and i felt sad. :(
i missed him even more. i could imagine if he was still ard, he would be walking ard and filming my cousin and his wedding, helping out here n there. what makes me even sadder is that my cousin and him are good buddies when young, but now, 1 is married, and the other is gone forever. :( :'(

i felt even more sad, as i tried to imagine my bro being the one to get married. and the sadness reached deep within again. :( :( :( :( :'(
oh dear, i can't stop thinking of him recently.

things have not been going well for me. what's new? many many things, in many aspects of my life. and i just realised that i am once again, in super stressed mode. how did i know? cos my mum said i started to sleep talk again. when each night, i dun recall anything at all. well, there are once or twice when i woke up to find myself talking. :S so now i know that i am reaching my threshold for stress. anymore, i think i will go bersek. the only other period in my life that i sleep talked so much and almost every night is when i was in JC, super stressed and not slping well at all. this shows even more how sucky this job is. and how much it has affected me! my mum is all for quitting i guess, seeing me like that. oh, btw, i just finished my minutes in a semi-conscious state. :p

volunteer work with the disabled today was such an extraordinary experience. :) gtg slp soon...zzz

oh, it's been the longest time since i blogged! sigh...

ok, someone said i have changed....that i am complaining more now...yea, i am...i realised too....and i have been slogging my days and night away...sigh...oh yes, i sighed so much more too!

the crappiest thing happened today. my boss really sucks. i hate her cos of all these things. my colleagues were all shocked and disgusted by the things she asked me to do. i feel that i will really tender my resignation letter veryyy soon!

i cried again today cos of all these. her added-on pressure. crap. probably cos i'm very tired from staying up late to finish work, and also of hormones. at times like this, i wish there weren't so many things missing in my life.....how i wish many things were the way it is, things that are there. things that make me life whole again. :( yes, i am missing him very much again these days..... :'(

yea, thanks pammy! i received ur letter! so nice of u to write 1 to me! i miss u alot too, ur presence around and the funny things u do and talk abt! :) love ya and hope u are doing well!! :)

gtg slp..mx says my dark circles are more and more prominent! :( :( :(

thanks babe...really appreciate every word in those small fonts! ilu and imu too!!

yea, gotta climb up myself. did it before, and i will do it another time. today was a much better day, though tired due to insomnia the night before, i was back to my old self and skipping around in my office again. but with aches inside....

oh wells, life was nv a bed of roses. let's all face the ache and get over it!

love ya babe! take care of urself ok! and pls pls be extra super ultra careful during cycling ok!! there are asses drivers every where lo! but meanwhile, train hard! dun give up on running! i'll cya in sch for trng next week :)

dammit! dun cry girl! stand up urself and be strong again!

:'(

it's so so painful again...more than ever.... :'(